Vanderpump Rules

When I was younger I used to make fun of my mom for watching All My Children, a soap opera from the 1900s that I found to be absolutely ridiculous. People would disappear and reappear at random, story lines became more outrageous or were repeated using different people, and there was always the possibility of an affair between friends. Pfft, garbage. “I don’t know how you watch this crap”, I would say to my mother, a comment that got me in trouble for my use of the word “crap” (which is probably why I curse so much now). Anyway, the point is my mom watched crap.

And here I sit, more than 20 years later, preparing to give you the rundown on a show where people disappear and reappear at random, story lines become more outrageous or are repeated using different people, and there is always the possibility of an affair between friends. (I’m not my mom. I’m not my mom. I’m not my mom)

That’s right. Vanderpump Rules is back and their reality is better scripted than ever! We’re only one episode in but already half of the casts’ lives are in peril and the other half still has the rest of the season to go. And just like their writers did for the season premiere, let’s go ahead and dive right in.

So how about that Scheana? I’m not paranoid or anything but last season I couldn’t help but feel like Scheana’s sole purpose on the show was to annoy me. All she did was whine and cry and performed circus tricks for acceptance, all while simultaneously staring at herself in a mirror and ignoring her husband. A mere few months later and Scheana 2.0 has a new boyfriend, is now friends with Lala, and no longer speaks to Katie and Stassi. In fact, the days of Scheana crawling behind Katie are so over that she makes it a point to tell Katie that she isn’t invited to her birthday party. In addition to reinventing her attitude she’s also reinvented her apartment; she took it from a Scheana shrine with an occasional photo of Shay peppered in and turned it into a Scheana shrine with a bedroom that’s been converted into a walk-in closet. “A dream come true” she proclaims.

Katie and Stassi seem to have adjusted to life without Scheana. Stassi has a new apartment and is back with her ex-boyfriend, Patrick. Katie is enjoying married life, reassuring us viewers that her and Schwartz are headed for the ultimate in #couplegoals – death. Mazel tov. However, before they can get there Schwartz (finally) has some business to attend to: making the restaurant Tom Tom happen with Tom Sandoval. How hard could it be? Incredibly if Tom Sandoval has any say in it, which he believes he has all the say in it. It turns out the deal Tom squared was offered was an investment deal that made each Tom a 10% owner with an investment of $100K. Sandoval isn’t quite clear about how this works and while at SUR, voices his concerns to Ariana regarding Ken and Lisa’s control over the whole project. And just around the corner, Ken and Lisa sit, overhearing every word. (Dun dun dun!) As expected Lisa is pissed and it looks like Sandoval may have blown this whole thing.

Good job, Sandoval. Surprisingly that wasn’t even the biggest fuck up of the episode. Nope. It’s Scheana’s birthday party and everyone is there; even people you forgot were on the show once. First, Scheana introduces her new boyfriend, Rob, to Lisa and boasts “this is all I’ve wanted for 10 years” to which Lisa responds by shutting her down and reminding her that she WAS married at one point and not to discount that. THEN former SURver Faith tells Brittany how beautiful she is, then proceeds to tell James that she slept with Jax and could be pregnant. (Dun dun dun!) Sandoval has already heard this rumor and could have easily called Jax about it but the party seemed more like the perfect place to discuss it. Jax, who’s had so many nose jobs he’s starting to sound like he has permanent allergies, denies the allegations because he’s Jax. It gets back to Brittany and the episode ends with Brittany threatening to take the dogs and leave him if the rumor is true.

Other things that happened were James’ girlfriend is back, Kristen got a combined total of one minute of air time, Jax and Brittany live down the hall from Katie and Schwartz, Ariana cut her hair, Sandoval did not know nostalgia was a word.

Speaking of words it’s time to play “What’s the Word?” But because this is 2017, the year that declared war on me, they’ve all decided to recycle the word “literally”. No worries, we still have two more episodes to go before we have to guess the official word or phrase of the season.

In the meantime we have so much more to figure out: did Jax cheat on Brittany? Is Faith pregnant? Will Tom Tom still get to be part owners of Tom Tom? Will they say more words so the game I invented won’t be a total loss? Find out next week on the continuing story of Typical Jenn writes about Vanderpump Rules.

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