The Celebrity Apprentice: “Scissors and Creativity”

So then, The Celebrity Apprentice is moving at warp speed and we’re already more than halfway through the season; not that you can tell, what with all the same tasks and same boardroom meetings and the same speeches the Governor gives about his days as a body builder and the same fights with Lisa Leslie. Samey samey same same. But it’s not, because this is The New Celebrity Apprentice. Shows how much you know.

Here’s what’s happening on Not The Same Celebrity Apprentice. Last week the women managed to dwindle themselves down to a quartet when Kyle created a less-than-impressive ad campaign for Kawasaki and was ultimately fired, er, terminated for this and her other two ideas being failures. Consequently the teams are divided and made coed: Team Arete now consist of Rick Williams, Brooke Burke, Laila Ali, Boy George, Jon Lovitz and Matt Iseman. Team Prima is now Vince Neil, Carson Kressley, Lisa Leslie, Porsha Williams, and Chael Sonnen.

Next to go is Jon Lovitz. Poor Jon, he’s had a rough go from the beginning, primarily because everyone hates his ideas. In fact, they hate his ideas so much that during the candy task (where they had to create a new candy for the Warren Buffet owned See’s Candy and then sell it) they send him away to present the final product to Mr. Buffet himself, just so he won’t interfere with the selling portion of the task. Jon blames this on the reason why he only raised $500, which is ultimately the reason for his termination, even though Ricky Williams -the project manager – fell about $200,000 short of what he pledged he could bring in. In Ricky’s defense some of his donors were in the cannabis industry so there’s a good chance no one was even awake during fundraising hours. Oh shut up, I’m joking.

Anyway, that was last week and this is this week, and this week Brooke Burke and Lisa Leslie have volunteered to lead their team in creating a publicity stunt for Lorissa’s Kitchen protein snacks. Well, Brooke doesn’t so much as lead as she does prance around and giggle like a school-girl, hoping (as she puts it) that “they’ll figure it out when they get there”. Surprisingly her let’s-hope-this-all-works-out approach works and Team Arete wins, while also setting women in the workplace back about 60 years. Lisa loses but fortunately for her Vince Neil won a shit ton of money with his win last week and ultimately votes himself off, even after Chael Sonnet tried to save him.

Chael Sonnen: he really takes the piss, doesn’t he? With his confidence and “chopping heads” remarks. Chael likes to put on a show, which he does during the reenactment of his scene where he cut a computer cord to buy his team more time to finish their Harry Potter digital brochure. I say “reenactment” because it was all a bit make-believe, which means the cameraman probably missed it when it actually happened and ordered a redo, which I’m sure Chael was more than happy to do because he was very proud of his stunt. And I say “proud” because in the boardroom he has no qualms about his stunt and believes he’s the only smart one to have found a loophole in the rules, as though he’s just cracked the code on how to properly interpret the Bible. Arnold (I’m tired of calling him Governor) is so blown away by his stupidity he doesn’t even use “you’re terminated”, and instead quickly blurts out “you’re fired”. After he composes himself he then fires Porsha for her inability to get to the point, leaving Carson Kressley and Lisa Leslie the sole survivors on Team Prima.

Like I said, warp speed. But no worries, I’m staying on top of it. I’ve even stopped blinking to ensure I don’t miss the next two episodes.

Photo by: Luis Trinh/

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