So Far on Vanderpump Rules….

Our world is a huge piece of piss. After fighting it as long as I could I’ve had to accept the fact that because of a technicality (that technicality being my birth year) I am considered a Millennial. The word alone is so obnoxious it’s enough to make me close my eyes and will a nuclear holocaust. Currently I am the human equivalent of the pained face emoji, which is something a Millennial would say, thus making this even worse. Listen to me, I’m being very whiny – another characteristic of a Millennial. Millennials aren’t ALL bad, I suppose, just don’t go trying to prove that statement correct by watching Vanderpump Rules, because you won’t find the proof there. The majority of the cast embodies just about every stereotype that drive people to hate Milliennials, and yet, I can’t quit watching it. I hate myself.

I’m not really that hateful of Millennials (me included, sometimes), just the one’s that make us look bad – like Stassi. Last season I called Stassi a satanic wizard, and I’m sticking by that. Don’t let Katie’s reign of terror fool you; Stassi is the one pulling those strings. When she’s not trying to find more evidence that Lala is dating a married man (we’ll get there) or hovering over Katie, subliminally telling her what to think, she’s working on her podcast and hanging out at SUR – like that person who still hangs out at the high school even though they’ve graduated. Stassi has a weird obsession with Katie, spending every waking moment proving her allegiance (even when it makes her look like a complete idiot) while using her to spread her evil. This year she’s joined the fight against Lala, however, I’m convinced she’s waging her own war against Scheana. Last year Scheana was worried that her and Katie would no longer be friends now that Stassi was back in the picture and even though I mocked her it turns out she may have been on to something. After Scheana decides she no longer wants to take part in the war on Lala and apologizes to her for spreading any rumors that may have been untrue, Katie, Kristen and Stassi go after her, with Stassi leading the charge. At one point everyone is enjoying Shay (Sheana’s husband) and Carter’s (Kristen’s boyfriend) “surprise” birthday party and when the girls (minus Scheana) get drunk they decide it’s the perfect time to berate her about her actions. My favorite scene is when Stassi is talking to Ariana and Scheana and they keep their cool which flusters Stassi causing her to run into the bathroom and drunkenly collapse on the floor in a dramatic set of tears, wailing to Katie that she was trying to defend her but Ariana and Scheana suck. Like I said, complete idiot. She’s so terrible, in fact, that when her mother and 11-year-old brother comes to visit HE has to tell her to mind her own business.

Katie is no better. Last year Katie decided she hated Lala when Lala went swimming, topless, in front of the guys, including Schwartz. This year Lala retaliated by mocking Katie’s weight and expressing her desire to have sex with Schwartz. And now. It’s. On. It’s not enough that Katie hate her, though, she needs everyone else to hate her too – a Katie trait that Schwartz can’t stand. But Katie is unstoppable. When she begins to run low on asshole she strokes her hair and is powered back up, ready to drunkenly yell at Schwartz for having the nerve to be reasonable about their wedding, prompting him to visit their therapist without her. Schwartz makes the mistake of telling Katie about his visit to the therapist (as well as what was discussed) after she’s had a few glasses of wine, which prompts her to make him fell guilty about it, and then she goes to the kitchen and somberly eats lettuce. Just lettuce. And as if her personality isn’t bad enough, Katie participates in the act of adult coloring with those stupid adult coloring books.

I’m not even sure where to start with Scheana. Scheana is a bit too follow-the-crowd for me: she used to just overuse popular catchphrases and words but she’s taken it up a notch – about 17 notches to be exact. (This year her favorite word to say is “literally”. Example: the day of the Orlando shootings she opted out of going to work with her excuse being she was “literally sad”. Do you mean as opposed to figuratively?) I’ve never seen someone so desperate to belong to a group before. Do the producers give out bonuses if you can stand Katie, Kristen and Stassi for more than 5-minutes? Is this some sort of Survivor challenge? Scheana has become the panhandler of the group, begging for their friendship. She’s one Katie-scolding away from standing outside her apartment holding a cardboard sign that reads: Will Sing and Dance for your Approval. Scheana has done everything the girls have wanted her to do when it comes to Lala, a fact she admits and also realizes isn’t really getting her anywhere. She might just be hanging on to her last shred of dignity, though. At the time of writing she is currently in a fight with the girls because she no longer wants to waste her time fighting with Lala, and is finally starting to see these girls for what they are: colossal assholes. Her awakening can’t come soon enough; every time she talks about her dilemmas it takes everything I have not to punch myself in the eardrums.

Here’s what Kristen is up to:

– She’s a vegan with a website

– She’s still dating Carter

– She’s fighting with everyone Katie is fighting with

That’s it. She doesn’t work at SUR anymore so her storyline is pretty much parallel to Katie’s and Stassi’s. She did have one good scene where she described her relationship with Jax as “step brother/step sister who may have slept together twice”. Lovely.

Speaking of Jax, did you know that he can predict the future like that guy who predicted the end of the world, Gandhi? Yes, Jax actually said this. He even repeated it during his interview with producers. Other than gems like that this season, so far, he’s spread gossip about his girlfriend Brittany, claiming that Kristen gave her a downstairs hello, he continued to fight with James, he had to have surgery to remove tissue from his chest that formed because of his steroid use, and he’s having a blast perpetuating the fight between Kristen, Katie and Stassi (KKS for short or this article will go on forever) and Scheana. His girlfriend Brittany fairs much better than him amongst their group. Brittany has become everyone’s confidant and does it with a smile on her face, always reserving judgement. I for one am not convinced that she’s this happy listening to all of their bullshit. For Christ’s sake there are moments where I find myself screaming at the television, but not Brittany. She keeps a smile on her face and is there for them. I predict that she eventually snaps like Ned Flanders in that episode of The Simpsons where a tornado rips through the town and only his house is destroyed, and after a failed attempt by the town to rebuild it he loses his mind on everyone and checks himself into a mental hospital. Like Kanye without the natural disaster. It’s only a matter of time before she starts ripping peoples heads off and putting them on sticks. I vote she goes for Katie first.

Speaking of chopping heads, James had his done by Lisa. Yes, the DJ has finally been fired from SUR and PUMP and now we get to see less of him. He’s managed to find work at another bar and has also managed to find a girlfriend who can stand him, primarily because it’s a long distance relationship and she only sees him when she’s on break from school. James is in love with Raquel, beaming as he explains that him and the pageant contestant have a lot in common, for example, they like to eat food. That’s pretty much their license to get married if you ask me. Ariana and Sandoval maintain a friendship with him as well as Lala, which doesn’t sit well with KKS. Why? Because they believe she’s dating a married man. Is she? Who the hell knows. She’s yet to reveal who her new boyfriend is and she keeps showing up with expensive gifts (i.e. her Range Rover) which leads the girls to believe that the rumors are true. Here’s what I do know: she’s supposed to be quitting the show which I’m OK with only because I’m sick of looking at her facial expressions. It’s as though someone is controlling pieces of her face and hits a button at random times as a joke.

And then there’s Tom 2, AKA Schwartz. How he’s continued to put up with Katie is still unknown to me; every time he voices his concerns about the wedding, or Katie yells at him, I join the nation in collectively giving him a hug. Schwartz’s entire storyline consists of him being a big ball of nerves; it’s almost depressing to watch.

Stay tuned for next week where someone will get in a fight while Brittany continues to smile like the Joker.

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