American Horror Story: Roanoke – THE FINALE

Son of a bitch…. Let’s just get started.

We kick off the episode with a pretend guest panel featuring the cast and the actual victims of the Roanoke fiasco. All of the actors are assholes, fake-Butcher is just starting her crazy and everyone is famous and preparing for the second season. And then after the second season we are treated to some YouTube videos with a Lee super fan talking about Lee going to court for killing a bunch of people and then another YouTube video of Lott (the surviving Polk member and I think that’s his name) talking about how he’s going to kill Lee for killing his family. Fine.

So then we get to see another pretend show called Crack’d (AKA Snapped) featuring the story of Lee. It basically talks about her life before the murders (except they don’t mention her first daughter Emily so already it doesn’t make sense) and then they talk about all of her acquittals and now she’s free and everyone is dead and Flora hates her. So she decides to do the Lana Winters show; THE Lana Winters from AHS season 2 who has come out of retirement specifically to talk to Lee. It starts out all sweet and then Lana lays into her. Lee isn’t there to answer questions about how and why she murdered people, she’s there to deliver a message on camera to Flora: she loves her and she’ll never give up. Lana’s response is basically “cut the shit, where is she?” Lee says she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then tries to leave to go find Flora BUT THEN we hear gun shots and it’s crazy Lott (again, I think that’s his name) coming for Lee. He walks into the interview room and is about to shoot when Lana starts to talk him off the ledge, to which he responds by hitting her in the face with the assault rifle. And just when he’s about to shoot Lee someone shoots Lott and that’s the end of the Polk family, kind of. The sons are still with CPS, I think, I don’t know because AHS abandoned that one, too.

It’s 2 weeks later and Lee is still searching for Flora. Meanwhile we’re in the blood moon cycle. How do I know? Because some idiots from a pretend ghost hunters show are there to search for ghosts and they have a special guest with them: the man who played Cricket on the show and I’m just going to keep calling him Cricket. Oh, and it’s important to mention that when they tried to get permission to film at the house they were told to STAY THE FUCK OFF THE PROPERTY EVERYONE DIES. But since the first season of Roanoke Nightmare was so huge everyone with a hair on their ass wants to try and get famous by doing their own Roanoke reality show, so they decide to trespass and do the show anyway. So they’re searching the house when the head ghost hunter sees something outside. They start to head to the door but before they turn the corner they’re surprised by….. Lee! She’s searching for Flora and knows she’s at the house with Priscilla. How Flora got there is beyond me. Lee tells the ghost hunters to get the hell out because they’re going to die but nope, they stay there, and die. The pig-man kills Cricket (who thought he could stop him by yelling croatoan, like an idiot), the Chen’s kill one of the ghost hunters, the Butcher kills the other ghost hunter and the cameraman, and the head ghost hunter and 2 police officers (I don’t know who called them or why they’re there when we already know they were in cahoots with the whole thing) get lit up with arrows that look like they came from the blood moon itself.

No wait, it gets more ridiculous. It’s the next day and now the house is surrounded by police officers AND the media because they’ve gotten wind that Lee is holding Flora hostage. In reality it’s Flora who is being a jerk and won’t leave because she wants to become a ghost and stay with Priscilla. Why? Because she needs to protect Priscilla from the Butcher, which again doesn’t make sense. Lee wants her to live her life so she offers to become a ghost mom and stay with Priscilla, to which Priscilla and Flora agree. Let’s make this quick: Lee gives Priscilla a gun, Priscilla kills Lee, the house is set on fire, Flora walks out to the cops, and as they drive away she waves good-bye to dead-Lee and Priscilla, who is also the only character that the make-up artists could’ve given 2 shits about because her make-up looks like she’s dressed up for Halloween and she had to do her ghost make-up herself. Oh, and then here comes the villagers and it’s the last night of the blood moon and they’re going to kill all the cops and media?

So then is Flora just a dick and was actually recruited by the Butcher and she arranged this whole thing so the Butcher could have a shit ton of sacrifices? And why would Flora need to protect Priscilla from the Butcher when Priscilla is already dead and has survived, er, not died more than once for centuries? Also, how did Mason get strung up and end up charbroiled if Lee killed him with a rock? There’s no way she was able to hoist him up there. So dead-Lee came back in a matter of mere moments, where were the rest of the cast that got killed there? Where are their ghosts? And who set the house on fire, ghost-Lee or Flora? AND WHAT ABOUT EMILY?

Why, why does this show keep coming up short? Writers of AHS, why do you have to write the ending in 15 minutes or less? Instead of giving away a car next season you should host a contest that allows an amateur writer to write the ending. Or the whole season. Have a contest where you replace the entire writing staff. Jerks.

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